It is Finished…well Sorta…

So I’ve resigned from my job.  In fact, I already have a new one I start on August 18.  That means I have an actual summer with not but one camp to go to-not the 4 I’m used to.  Things have been pretty crazy and I do apologize for not blogging more but everyone who reads this blog (for the most part) knows the insanity that has been occuring in my life.

Right now I feel like I need a very long holiday.  To even begin to type out all the occurences and trials of the past few months seems exhausting.  Now please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not trying to be melodramatic but it just almost seems pointlessto drag you through the details of the battle.  Let’s just put it this way-God’s will always prevails and as usual he teaches you something (a lot) in the midst of the fray.  I have learned so much from this incredible experience.  I possess some understanding of things now that I never used to.

One thing is for sure:  I LOATHE GOSSIP.  Never have I quite understood so clearly how cancerous and crawling gossip is.  I now hold myself to a standard I probably couldn’t before.  I have made a clear cut choice to keep my mouth shut regarding things that are simply none of your (i.e. generic) business.  I know the world is full of gossipers and I cannot stop others from gossiping but one thing is for certain.  I will not tolerate it of myself nor of those I train and work with.  Gossip is not only damaging to the person speaking it, but the person being spoken of , all those who hear it, and the organization(s) that said persons belong to.  Gossip may be true or false.  It doesn’t matter.  If it is a rumor, don’t spread it.  If it is true, then let the person to whom the information rightfully belongs, share it.  Why do people not learn from their mistakes?!  I do not claim to know all of the affects of gossip but one warning I give and I hope you heed.  Keep this disease far from you, your loved ones, and your work.  WALK AWAY when you hear its tentacles approaching and RUN if YOU begin to open your mouth. 

Another thing I have gained from this experience is that NO MATTER WHAT, DO THE RIGHT THING.  “Keep your oath, even to your own hurt.”  Let no one be able to speak evil of you.  Though many will speak lies, decet, and malice against you despite your truth and good intent, let your actions, intents, thoughts, and heart be pure.  I wish no one the pain of seeing and hearing people around you speaking evil of you when you have done no evil.  Yet we ask and pray, “…That I may share in the fellowship of His sufferings, being made like Him in His Death…”  Even when the whole world turns against you and you have done no wrong, DO THE RIGHT THING.  You will be vindicated-whether in this life or the next.  But it is not your job to determine that.  The battle is the Lord’s.  And vindication is from Him. 

Pray for those who hurt you.  Never have I quite so clearly understood what Jesus meant when He said this.  Oh, pleae pray for them.  They don’t know what they are doing and they need your help.  We have grace to help us in time of need but for those who are are lost, in the world, and speak evil against the children of God-oh! they need your prayers!  I don’t think I can quite explain this fully.  Perhaps when one experiences it, then and maybe only then, will you fully understand it.

No matter what, you must follow and obey God’s leading.  Wherever He leads, we must follow.  It doesn’t matter who it takes you from, who it puts you with, you must go on with God.  If not, you will be miserable. 

I told God a few months back that I didn’t mind getting older (even though I’m only 25), because I would gladly pay the price of youth for wisdom and understanding.  I’m not going to say that I’ve lost my youth or certainly not that I have all the wisdom I need, but I have paid a heavy cost for learning what I’ve learned over the past two years and more increasingly over the past few months.  But I wouldn’t change a thing.  God knows why I went through this and though I only see a small puzzle piece now, He sees the masterpiece.  He’s the artist and I trust what He’s creating.  He is God, I am man.  He is Sovereign. 

Please, TRUST HIM. 

Snothit a.k.a. predictive text: annoying

You know what I really dislike?  The stupid stringy things that come off banana peels.  There you are enjoying your banana and you get a stringy thing in your mouth that should belong on the peel.  It’s enough to make one throw the banana away. 

Google Search: Hope

Ok. So I’m currently studying for a major test I’m taking next Saturday.  Every time I sit down to study for this thing, I fall asleep.  I cannot keep awake!  So I decided to take a break and blog real quick so this may become rather segmented because of my breaks. 

Today I made my first step towards inviting a new member into the family.  I applied for adoption at our local animal shelter and got approved.  So from now until I adopt, I’ll be checking in often with them seeing the puppies or other dogs they receive.  The hub and I went over there together and we got to walk a couple of dogs.  We both fell in love with one adult female mix.  She was so lively and happy.  A bigger dog than I can handle but it was really neat to see my hub’s face when he saw her.  She was a neat girl.  Then there was a small poodle mix that I found but she definitely had some fear issues.  But all these dogs need is some love and rehabilitation.  My heart just burst to see all these precious dogs abandoned and facing some really grim circumstances.  So many of them looked dejected and rejected and depressed and as if they knew they were unwanted. 

For that reason alone, I hate going to shelters.  I see them all and want to let every single one of them know that someone cares about them and I’ll show them….by adopting them all!!  That’s why it’s so hard to go in there.  They’re precious and I’d like to care for them all and make them feel better.  Oh.  It’s hard.

So for now, I’m just going to wait and pray for the right dog for me.  I can’t wait to see what happens. 

Alright…I’ll be back.  I’m going to try and study.  When I come back I’ll elaborate on the title.

Round 2

Things have gotten very difficult in my life lately.  Everyone always tells you how difficult life really is and I always thought I knew.  I was always like, ‘Yeah, you’re right.  Things can get really tough.  But God is always there.’  I had no idea what I was talking about.  Truly the older you get the deeper things get. 

Have you ever been at a place where you are looking in every single direction for a reset button or a save point or anything that points to hope?  I have been living in that place this week.  But let’s face it, you can’t just Google “Hope” and actually get something viable.  Something has to change on the inside of you in order to make it to the next place. 

So there has been a real struggle within my soul but the good has finally won out.  I finally don’t care the anointing takes me from or puts me with, I’m going on with God.  I may not reap the harvest of the seeds that I have planted for two years.  That’s ok.  I may not become a star on Broadway.  That’s ok.  I may not become the owner of a studio that develops dancers and performing artists.  That’s ok.  I may not always be a size 2.  That’s ok.  I may not have the life I thought I so desperatley wanted.  That’s ok.

I’m fully satisfied in God.

Let me make something crystal clear.  It’s not complacency or giving up.  It’s SURRENDER.

God has wanted my surrender for a long time.  All I’ve given Him is parts, but never the whole.  But it has taken all this to bring me to a point to say, “God, MOVE, OR MOVE ME.”  Whatever he wants for me is fine.  No, it’s more than fine.  It’s His perfect will and I’m in agreement with it.  I trust Him.  I REALLY TRUST HIM.  Though the trials may be the most painful things I have ever gone through, he is still Sovereign.  Though people may speak evil and lies about me, His ways are still higher than mine.  Though my heart may be torn on the inside because of tearing relationships on the outside, He still knows best. 

The Lord brought back to my memory a sermon I preached when a dear friend passed away unexpectedly a little more than a year ago.  Come to think of it, it was my last picture sermon.  Past that sermon, I haven’t really shared the Word much.  Hmm…  This sermon was about how we don’t understand the whol picture and we may see small pictures of the puzzle but got sees the intricate working pieces of it.  He brings it together to create a masterpiece.  Our section of the puzzle may look convoluded to us but He has everything in perfect order.  And though we may not understand and think we know best He is still God and He is still on the throne and He still knows all. 

I don’t know His full plan.  Every time I see a little of it unfold I think, “Oh!  That’s what you were doing!”  And then there is this whole other thing that I didn’t expect or didn’t even see coming.   I don’t even know the sum of all the occurences happening in my life at this point, but I HAVE TO TRUST HIM.  If these two years of my life, (emphasis on IF, because God is so big and good that I can’t limit Him to one thing) occured to teach me only to trust Him, then God knew what it would take and I trust that He knows best for me. 

“Endure discipine as dearly loved children for every father chastens those he loves.”

“I will show him how much he must endure for my name.”

“Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Rejoice when men speak lies and all kinds of evil of you because of my name for this is how they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

“O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires.  I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.   All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children’s peace.  In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you.  If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you.  “See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals to flam and forges a weapon fit for its work.  And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc; no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.   This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD.

April’s Fool

After months of agonizing emotional and mental torture I made a move today towards ending the strife in my life caused by my workplace.  After discovering evidence of moral failure on the part of my “girlies” I realized that no matter how much I pour into them through dance, life lessons, values, and opening my life to them, many of them don’t change.  The hub was infuriated because he sees me pour myself out for these little ones and the only reason I am still at this job is because of them.  And then to see what they do is like them spitting in my face.  He said it’s time to go.

So I walk into the presence of my my beloved girls and tell them, “This will probably be my last year with you girls.”  And the flood begins.  Mine and theirs.  I tell them how disappointed I am in them and how despite my efforts, it causes no change in them because the majority of them are two-faced–behaving one way when I am around and another when I’m gone.  After a 20 minute gushing, I stop and everyone goes their separate way in the studio.  I have never heard it so quiet in there before.  Some are sobbing, some are stoic, and the ones I expected are emotionless.

One surprising thing that occured was that towards the end of class, my one born-again Christian asks me if she can get everyone together and pray.  I said I thought it would be a great idea.  She proceeds to gather her team around, a feat she had yet to venture into during the 2 years I’ve been around, and begins to pray over them.  Like really pray over them.  They begin sobbing…even those who didn’t feel anything before.  I was like,”Wow God.  Is this what it takes for them to feel your presence?  Pain?  I don’t quite understand but maybe my leaving will in fact draw them closer to you and each other.”  After the prayer they all get up and begin to hug me one by one.  Those who had royally messed up began to apologize and cry and well….it’s very hard to describe what it was like.  Others asked me to consider staying.

Needless to say throughout the whole day, they were coming by my room to talk.  I said to all of them, “Look, something has to spur someone to action and if this is what it takes, then so be it.  You all aren’t the only ones that need to change.  Your school needs to support you.” 

So I do not know what exactly is going to come of this.  If there is going to be some drastic change to keep me on board, then I am awaiting it.  But I doubt it will happen.  But this is where it gets interesting.  I love them.  I wholeheartedly love each one of them and it hurt so much to do and say what I did this morning.  I don’t want to leave them behind.  I want to affect their lives and see them successful and happy.  That is why this is so difficult.  People say, “You shouldn’t get so emotionally involved.”  But the fact is that if I’m going to build a team, I have to be emotionally involved.  If I were just a random instructor that taught an average class, it would be easier to not get involved because I’m not building a team or a legacy. 

I was thinking about it and began to understand that I now know how to developo relationships with the kids in our youth group.  I have spent time building my relationship with my girls and know what it takes.  I fell in love with them.  So now I want to see them succeed.  God is in love with us and he wants us to succeed and it kills Him when we mess up.  But he doesn’t give up on us.  And that is why I was like, “God doesn’t give up on me.  I shouldn’t give up on them.”  I have several arguements both ways for this.

          First of all, I’m called to minister and I’m called to minister inside and outside the four walls of the church.     STAY

         Second of all, this is where God has placed me currently and I should complete it until he calls me away.          STAY

          Thirdly, God doesn’t give up on us when we mess up.  He forgives us and we move on.                                        STAY

          Fourth, I may lose them completely.                                                                                                                               STAY

Now for the other side of the coin:

          First of all, if I’m going to pour ministry out it should be in my calling which is youth pastoring/prophetic dance.    GO

          Second of all, “Cast not your pearls before swine.”  I am on my own without much support.                                         GO

          Thirdly, I can still teach them dance outside of school and offer them so much better stuff through the church.       GO

          Fourthly, I’m still gonna work crazy hours without all the pay.                                                                                           GO

So I am at an impasse.  The hub is ready for me to be out and I can do what I need to to move.  But I’m just worried.  What if I screw up totally and miss God?  I love these girls and want the best for them.  I want them to know that someone loves them and is there for them.  I want them to realize they don’t have to be the stereotypical high school girl who gets drunk, parties, and can’t remember who or if she slept with anybody over the weekend.  I want them to know that they are special and important.  I tell them this all the time.  Do they not know it?  Do they not see it?  Why don’t they live it?

The predicament of the Father God.  Poetic justice.

To put a cherry on top of my fool’s day, I get home at 10:30 pm and find my home T.P.’ed, shaving creamed, (front and back), with a lovely gift of dog poo neatly wrapped in a ziploc bag and firmly taped to my front door.  All courtesy of more teenagers we pour our life out for. 

Friends in Low Places

So the recent events in my life have been quite dramatic.  It seems that my husband and I as well as our future generations are under attack for the stand that we have chosen to take on life.  From everything like the job place to family, our lives have been something else.

 But through all of this I have come to realize something…through all the low places in my life, I have some great friends!  Before college I never though of friendship as something terribly important or permanent.  We’ve all been through high school and remember its shallowness.  None of my “so-called friends” from high school are around anymore.  Never could I have trusted them or depended on them.  And yet through a series of unforseen and unique circumstances, I have gained the best possible friends. 

We often sit and contemplate how such a differing set of people could come together to form a bond of friendship that I don’t really care to describe because it would just ruin it with the cliche-ness of it. 

One of my friends is the ABSOLUTE EXACT OPPOSITE of me.  In every sense of the statement, this person is my opposite.  Spiritually-opposite, emotionally-opposite, mentally-opposite.  And yet we can relate strangely enough.  It’s actually pretty neat.  I enjoy this person who is so unlike me because it’s surprising, enlightening, and so fun to watch because you never know what’s gonna happen next.  Randomness is great!

Another friend I have is one of the best listeners in the world.  But not only does this person listen, but they have practical advice that is logical and spiritual at the same time without being flighty.  I know I can always find wise counsel in them and can rely on their confidentiality.  Trust.

Every Pooh has their Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Kanga.  But what’s the gang without an Eeyore?  I love our Eeyore because he’s ours.  Some people may think Eeyore was a bore and a drag but he actually had some really insightful things to say.  And ours in particulare can bring up some really interesting topics that make us think and describe our beliefs.  Complete.

In risking sounding cliche, I’m gonna say it.  My husband is my best friend.  I don’t have to be worried about sharing something with im that is going to make him love me less and I can always trust him to lead me the right way.  We have a chosen a path for our lives that no one else in our family has.  So this is going to be rough but it is also going to be very rewarding.  Maybe not always for us, but for the generations to come, they will be able to reap the harvest that is due them because their elders made the right choice.  My husband is the best and I love him dearly.  He is my shoulder to cry on, my desk to think on, my pillow to hug on, and my cradle to be held in.  Friendship.

Frienship in high and low places.

Something’s Gotta Give

So today my life could have dramatically changed.  It changed some but not as much as it could have.  My husband was in a car accident.  He is okay but it could have been a lot worse.  He just barely missed hitting an 18 wheeler that failed to yield.  I was about to leave my place of work to meet him at the doctor’s office for an appointment he had scheduled when I got the call.  I was in the middle of trying to secure a substitute for my classes (which I had already attempted to do yesterday) when I found out about the accident.  The sub still hadn’t arrived but I needed to go.  I asked the athletic secretary to just look in on the girls before the sub arrived seeing as how my husband had just been in an accident.  She looked straight at me and said, “No. No.  Nobody can help you.”  I was absolutely appalled.  I have already had several experiences with her of the less than savory nature and this has broken the straw.  I’ve never been anything but nice to this lady and she continues to perpetuate the attitude that is dominant in my workplace-”me for me and screw everybody else! ”

I rushed out of there leaving my girls to themselves because I know they could handle it.  I’m speeding down the expressway to meet my husband and praying the whole way.  I get there and he’s pretty shaken up but he’s ok.  The news on the car isn’t great but it could have been a lot worse!

This event has thrown me back into the headlong spiral of the psychzovrenic (sp?) life I lead.  I have become absolutely fed up with the situations in my life that are unresolved.  I realized once more that I deeply desire the freedom in my life to not be tied down to something so much so that if an emergency occurs and causes my absence, it won’t fall apart.  The things that are most dear to me in my life deserve my upmost attention yet because of my occupation they all suffer for it.  I put more time, money, and effort into my job that it drains the life out of me.  I didn’t return back to work today and worked at home the rest of the day.  I absolutely gurantee you that not a single administrator even noticed my absence.    I can absolutely gurantee you than not a single teacher noticed my absence.  Those who noticed my absence were my girls.  That is why I am there.  But in the end, the troubles, lack of support, immaciated budget, screw everybody attitude, seems absolutely not worth it. 

Something has got to give.

I’ve asked God to give my clarity on some issues but I don’t see the fog clearing.  I desperatley need some resolution and some relief.  The things in my life that are important to me are taking a back burner to a job that is draining my life.  I need some change. 

Something’s gotta give.

Where is this all leading?  My mother’s side of the family is practically falling apart because they don’t know how to handle difficulties; can’t communicate; lack faith; and push everybody away.  My job…well you’ve heard enough about that.  My calling’s operation is practically non existent.  I’m spending my life on things that I don’t care for…how can I change this?

Something has gotta give.

I’ve been out

Alright alright, I know.  I haven’t blogged in a while.  Sorry.  Every time I tried to blog I got met with something else.  But all excuses aside, here I am.

 These past 3-4 weeks have been something else.  I have run the full gammet of emotions.  My friends have been awesome during this time and especially my husband.  I have realized that God has begun to do something within me that I didn’t see coming and I don’t know what the end result is.  I’m in the middle of a decision regarding my career and I don’t have a clear answer yet but I know God is speaking.  Ya’ know that expression, ‘When it rains, it pours?’  Well, sorry to sound so cliche, but that is exactly what is happening in my life right now.  I’m faced with big decisons, family’s health and controversy (I’m the black sheep), and of course the never ending tirade at work.  Sometimes my husband and I are convinced they have made a choice to get me to quit and are doing everything in their power to do so.  Sometimes that seems far fetched but sometimes it seems pretty reasonable.

So at this point, I’m at an impasse.  All I need to do is follow God and move forward with my life but I need a clear word.  I can see glimmers of what he is trying to do in my life and it blows me away but at the same time it’s hard to fully move forward.  But I guess that’s part of the process.  I just need to trust him and put one foot in front of the other as he illuminates my path. 

It’s times like these that your spiritual ears really perk up and you are looking for a word everywhere.  This can be good and bad.  It is definetley good when you know how to use it correctly.  God can speak through any avenue he chooses and as long as you’re not being religious, you should be able to hear him.  He is so good to us and we so often mistrust his guidance because we can’t see the end result.  But he sees the whole picture and we see only a part.  I’ve never seen the movie Indiana Jones, but I’m told that there is a part where Harrison Ford has to step out into open air to cross a cavern.  There is an invisible bridge there that he has to trust to get him across.  That is kinda what is going on right now.  I can’t see what’s in front of me but I know God hasn’t left me to fall to my death so I just have to move out in faith and trust him.  Lord, help me to have the wisdom to know which way to step.

An Exchange

So the other day I was at Wendy’s eating a baked potato and orange slices (we’re on the fast remember?).  I was by myself so I began observing people; which is often my habit when dining alone.  But the most curious thing happened.  I found myself watching a conversation occuring outside in the parking lot.  There was a man and a woman standing outside the woman’s car discussing something.  I thought it might be fun to try and figure out what was going on.  As I sat there watching this exchange, I watched their body language the most seeing as how I couldn’t hear them (after all, that would be eavesdropping, and I ain’t dropping no eaves).  Throughout the conversation, they seemed to not be that terribly close, as in a relationship, but it seemed that there was some kind of connection happening.  There wasn’t any pats on the back, nor did there APPEAR to be flirtatious movement happening, however, at the conclusion of this drawn out conversation (really, who talks outside next to a car unless you don’t want to part or there is something really pressing occuring) the two embraced.  But they didn’t let go for a long time.  It spoke 2 things to me.  First of all, it’s obviously they didn’t want to leave each other but the real question is WHY?  Are they a couple just starting a relationship and aren’t sure how to act around each other yet?  Or are they sharing a common situation that pulls them together for comfort.  I soon decided with the 2nd idea.  Because during this embrace, the woman gave the man the ‘It’s gonna be alright back rub.’  Ya’all know what I’m talking about?  It’s kind of like a pat on the back type thing.  It’s hard to explain but I think you know what I’m saying.  Anyway…I was like,”Wow.  There are so many things happening in this world-globally, nationally, state-wise, personally (as in me cuz this week has been heck of a ride) and yet so often we fail to realize that others around us are going through stuff we don’t even know about.” We really DON’T EVEN KNOW.  I only remember this fact on occasion.  The idea that the person sitting next to me has a problem ten times bigger than mine hardly ever occurs to me.  It is at times like these that I feel especially selfish.  I don’t know if anyone else witnessed that exchange, and I don’t even know if their problem is resolved (if it really even was a problem), but it spoke to me and urged a prayer out of me up to heaven…

Sweet Lady Marmalade

Ok…So it’s Saturday afternoon.  The hub is off at some basketball tournament working concessions.  So I take this opportunity to clean house.  Might as well have some musical company while I work.  So I put my Ipod on shuffle and let it roll.  Now I have to explain that my Ipod has ALL of my music on it.  Both personal music as well as music for my dance classes.  So unfortunately there is everything from Misty Edwards to Los Mariachis de Tijuana Soldados y Cucarachos.  So when it hits shuffle goodness knows what’s gonna come on. (kinda a hazard of the game of being a dance teacher)  Well I’m vacuuming the whole house and I don’t like to turn the vacuum on and off so I just do the whole thing at once.  Meanwhile, I have no idea what is playing because of the pleasant sound of the vacuum.  Well, I finish, and proceed to turn the vaccum off.  Lo and behold Sweet Lady Marmalade is playing (and not just playing-BLARING!)….the one with Christina Aguilera and Lil’ Kim.  I’m like,”Ok, I better go change it before the neighbors think I’m backsliding.”  Well, before I get the chance to do so, there is a ding-dong at the door. (The sound, not a person…well..oh you get it)  I quickly rush to turn the pagan music off and open the door.  There is a lovely couple from our church standing on my doorstep giving me grapefruit from their tree.  I thank them graciously of course and  the whole time I’m thinking,”What do these people think of me?!  I’m supposed to lead the younger generation and they just heard me listening to a song that is probably banned from their house!”  (Don’t chide me on this.  I know a couple who banned “The Notebook” from their house)  The only consolation is to think…”Perhaps the sound was muffled by the door.” or “Perhaps they don’t recognize the song.”  LOL.  I thought it was funny and wished the hub had been there to laugh at me.

Such is life…

I’m currently in the midst of choreographing 3 new pieces.  All of these pieces must be choreographed, set, and cleaned within 2and a half weeks.  Needless to say I am pulling my hair out!  It is this very stress I tried to avoid!  Before the year began I said, “I’m going to choreograph everything I need in the summer so I don’t have to worry about it later.”  Well, that never happened.  Ugh.  Now I am in a bind. 

One of the pieces is a solo for one of my students.  The musical choice is hers of course since it is a solo, so that leaves it up to me to find inspiration.  This wouldn’t have been such a big deal if the musical choice was good.  However, the song is from a popular teen scene pop artist with bad lyrics and even worse musicality.  I was not relishing the idea of choreographing this piece.  So I decided I would just put as much technique in as possible and leave out all the meaning I usually input into all MY pieces. 

 One sad thing that I noticed though was how I have lost my dancing stamina.  Phew!  It is awful!  I am dance teacher who doesn’t dance!  How awful is that!  When I was in college (as if it was that long ago), I was dancing all day long and felt great.  Whenever you stop for any period of time you lose everything and it really sucks!  So this fact kind of depressed me.  Whereas I used to be able to hold my a la seconde (that means your leg is lifted out to your side) over 90 degress, I’m lucky if I can get it to 45 and hold it.  I am very sad and frankly ashamed.  This rift in my dancing has caused some serious problems! 

I feel like I am blocked.  You pour so much out and when you”re not getting it put back in your movement becomes stale and lifeles.  you run out of ideas and pretty soon you’re just regurgitating the same old stuff over and over again.  Hmmm….  Eddie Izzard once compared dancers to cows…maybe he’s right…

So I finished the solo (blech!)…but I’m getting paid for it so that’s a plus.  Now on to the big numbers…fun drill team stuff like PomPoms and Hip Hop.  ::sigh::

With all this said, I’m off to my first real ballet class in about a year