April’s Fool

After months of agonizing emotional and mental torture I made a move today towards ending the strife in my life caused by my workplace.  After discovering evidence of moral failure on the part of my “girlies” I realized that no matter how much I pour into them through dance, life lessons, values, and opening my life to them, many of them don’t change.  The hub was infuriated because he sees me pour myself out for these little ones and the only reason I am still at this job is because of them.  And then to see what they do is like them spitting in my face.  He said it’s time to go.

So I walk into the presence of my my beloved girls and tell them, “This will probably be my last year with you girls.”  And the flood begins.  Mine and theirs.  I tell them how disappointed I am in them and how despite my efforts, it causes no change in them because the majority of them are two-faced–behaving one way when I am around and another when I’m gone.  After a 20 minute gushing, I stop and everyone goes their separate way in the studio.  I have never heard it so quiet in there before.  Some are sobbing, some are stoic, and the ones I expected are emotionless.

One surprising thing that occured was that towards the end of class, my one born-again Christian asks me if she can get everyone together and pray.  I said I thought it would be a great idea.  She proceeds to gather her team around, a feat she had yet to venture into during the 2 years I’ve been around, and begins to pray over them.  Like really pray over them.  They begin sobbing…even those who didn’t feel anything before.  I was like,”Wow God.  Is this what it takes for them to feel your presence?  Pain?  I don’t quite understand but maybe my leaving will in fact draw them closer to you and each other.”  After the prayer they all get up and begin to hug me one by one.  Those who had royally messed up began to apologize and cry and well….it’s very hard to describe what it was like.  Others asked me to consider staying.

Needless to say throughout the whole day, they were coming by my room to talk.  I said to all of them, “Look, something has to spur someone to action and if this is what it takes, then so be it.  You all aren’t the only ones that need to change.  Your school needs to support you.” 

So I do not know what exactly is going to come of this.  If there is going to be some drastic change to keep me on board, then I am awaiting it.  But I doubt it will happen.  But this is where it gets interesting.  I love them.  I wholeheartedly love each one of them and it hurt so much to do and say what I did this morning.  I don’t want to leave them behind.  I want to affect their lives and see them successful and happy.  That is why this is so difficult.  People say, “You shouldn’t get so emotionally involved.”  But the fact is that if I’m going to build a team, I have to be emotionally involved.  If I were just a random instructor that taught an average class, it would be easier to not get involved because I’m not building a team or a legacy. 

I was thinking about it and began to understand that I now know how to developo relationships with the kids in our youth group.  I have spent time building my relationship with my girls and know what it takes.  I fell in love with them.  So now I want to see them succeed.  God is in love with us and he wants us to succeed and it kills Him when we mess up.  But he doesn’t give up on us.  And that is why I was like, “God doesn’t give up on me.  I shouldn’t give up on them.”  I have several arguements both ways for this.

          First of all, I’m called to minister and I’m called to minister inside and outside the four walls of the church.     STAY

         Second of all, this is where God has placed me currently and I should complete it until he calls me away.          STAY

          Thirdly, God doesn’t give up on us when we mess up.  He forgives us and we move on.                                        STAY

          Fourth, I may lose them completely.                                                                                                                               STAY

Now for the other side of the coin:

          First of all, if I’m going to pour ministry out it should be in my calling which is youth pastoring/prophetic dance.    GO

          Second of all, “Cast not your pearls before swine.”  I am on my own without much support.                                         GO

          Thirdly, I can still teach them dance outside of school and offer them so much better stuff through the church.       GO

          Fourthly, I’m still gonna work crazy hours without all the pay.                                                                                           GO

So I am at an impasse.  The hub is ready for me to be out and I can do what I need to to move.  But I’m just worried.  What if I screw up totally and miss God?  I love these girls and want the best for them.  I want them to know that someone loves them and is there for them.  I want them to realize they don’t have to be the stereotypical high school girl who gets drunk, parties, and can’t remember who or if she slept with anybody over the weekend.  I want them to know that they are special and important.  I tell them this all the time.  Do they not know it?  Do they not see it?  Why don’t they live it?

The predicament of the Father God.  Poetic justice.

To put a cherry on top of my fool’s day, I get home at 10:30 pm and find my home T.P.’ed, shaving creamed, (front and back), with a lovely gift of dog poo neatly wrapped in a ziploc bag and firmly taped to my front door.  All courtesy of more teenagers we pour our life out for.