Death Becomes Her

Apparently 2008 is the year that death becomes me.  I know this sounds a little morbid but I’m not entirely sure where this is gonna go so bear with me.  In January of this year I lost my uncle to cancer.  This was the first death I’ve ever experienced from someone close to me.  It was honestly really traumatic.  There is just something that is so raw about the whole death thing.  Raw is the best word I have to describe it.  My mother’s side of my family isn’t exactly the most emotionally held together kind of group of people.  So everything was so dramatic and traumatic and well rough.  

And then this Sunday my first grandparent passed away.  This really sucks.  I mean it really, really, really sucks.  It is really awesome for him because he had been suffering physically for about 5 years and I am happy that he is now with the Lord laughing his big wonderful resounding laugh now.  There is so much delight and comfort in that.  He is finally free from this mortal body that held him back for so long.  

But tonight as I sat in the same funeral home as I did 10 months earlier, I fought back tears because I didn’t want to feel.  I didn’t want the tears to come for fear that i couldn’t stop them.  The thing that sucks and makes me want to cry more than anything though is the injustice of the situation.  You see, the last true memory I have of my grandfather is his back.  I saw him walking away from me, at that time a child of 6 or so, after he dropped me off at my mother’s house because he was tired of seeing me hurt from the custody battle that my parents were in.  This is going to sound sooooo cliche.  But I blame my mother.  It is because of her selfishness and psychosis that I lost my childhood, teenage life and young adult life away from my father’s side of the family.  Because of this I had so many less years with my grandfather.  When I finally re-established the relationship-because I actually could when I got older- it was too late.  Strokes had already hit him.  Relationships had already been formed amongst family members and I felt…and feel…like an outsider.  So though I may have been able to talk to my grandfather the last few years of his life, I missed the majority of it because of my mother’s selfishness and psychosis.  This angered me so much but there is absolutely nothing that can be done.  My father has vowed never to forgive my mother for the things that she took away from me and him and his side of the family.  This feeling is so confusing.  Because you see I don’t want to hold a grudge against my mother.  That is just the worst thing to do but right now the pain is so in my face and real -staring at me and poking me in eye- that I can’t just ignore it.  I’m holding on to try and get past the funeral and burial because I don’t want it to begin.  You see, I’m not just dealing with mourning-I’m dealing with regret.  And regret for something I didn’t cause but was pushed on me due to someone else’s actions.  There is no feeling like one where you had absolutely no control over choices that were made but changed your life forever.  

I don’t want to feel the raw feeling of death.  Because if I let myself feel that then I am going to have to feel the full onset of regret.  If I do that I fear that I will become so angry with my mother, like I haven’t been in years, that I’ll say things I don’t mean and end up losing another relationship.  At this point, I honestly feel the only place I truly belong is with Marc.  I feel like an outsider amongst my dad’s side of the family; I feel like an outcast amongst my mother’s side of the family; and just misunderstood just about everywhere else.  the only place I feel I can really belong is with Marc.  That is a good thing…I know.  The way I look at it is “This gives me the opportunity to begin a new legacy.”  I just always wonder…”What if things had been different?”

It’s a Slow Fade Both Ways

I don’t want to miss getting wet under a waterfall.

I don’t want to miss curling up in a big chair with a good book and hot chocolate.

I don’t want to miss seeing my kids running through the sprinkler.

I don’t want to miss enjoying my dog.

I don’t want to miss shopping with my mom.

I don’t want to miss the incredible colors of flowers.

I don’t want to miss eating watermelon by the pool in summer.

I don’t want to miss a good night’s sleep.

I don’t want to miss being with my husband every chance I get.

I don’t want to miss having a baby.

I don’t want to miss a beach sunrise.

I don’t want to miss getting caught in a rainshower.

I don’t want to miss laughing with my husband.

I don’t want to miss being silly with my friends.

I don’t want to miss the smile on someone’s face when they know someone cares.

I don’t want to miss worshipping God earth-style.

I don’t want to miss hearing my dad’s hearty laugh.

I don’t want to miss singing a lullaby to my child.

I don’t want to miss my husband’s face when he sees his first child.

I don’t want to miss the late afternoon sun.

I don’t want to miss laying on green grass and staring into the blue sky.

I don’t want to miss the smell of leather ballet shoes in a studio.

I don’t want to miss hugs.

I don’t want to miss the uniqueness of ladybugs.

I don’t want to miss early morning dew.

I don’t want to miss cuddling.

I don’t want to miss giving.

I don’t want to miss the love of my husband.

I don’t want to miss the purity of child like faith.

I don’t want to miss God’s unconditional love for me.

I don’t want to miss the ache of sore muscles.

I don’t want to miss the feel of a soft fleece blanket on a cold day.

I don’t want to miss the simplicity and magic of breathing.

I don’t want to miss laughing until my stomach hurts.

I don’t want to miss the early morning light streaming through my windows.

I don’t want to miss everything God provides for our enjoyment. 1 Tim. 6:17

Well well well…

So I am here at work about to start teaching.  Things have been rather strange for the past month.  I started my wonderful new job but there have been some glitches.  Our brand new building wasn’t ready in time for our regular school to begin on schedule.  So we have been doing a night school for the 4th-9th graders for the past 4 weeks in the old elementary building.  This means that teachers are working from 12:00 to 8:00 pm.  Needless to say, that schedule has been taxing all of us.  I have officially missed 4 Wednesday night services-2 of which I was supposed to preach at.  As of right now we are supposed to be in next week with a normal schedule.  So that means we have to make up 2 work days beginning tomorrow.  So tomorrow’s workday will be from 8:00 am- 8:00 pm.  YAY!  Another 12 hour day!  I have to be positive about it though because 12-14 hour days were normal for me at my last job.  So I’m gonna stay all smiles for now. 

So that’s work.  Now on to more interesting things.  Lately, friends and family have had a lot of questions in their minds.  A lot of them have been questioning their faith and rationalizing faith based queries with a light of cynicism casting a shadow on their already doubtful minds.  Now granted because of these queries and answers, or lack thereof, questions have arisen in my mind as well.  Questions and beyond that…un-hopeful disappointment.  I was talking with the hub the other day and he were discussing a certain big name minister who has recently fallen from grace and what that does to critics of the Christian faith.  I told him, “It makes me wanna go one of two ways.  I can either be like, ‘Why even try when other people who hold more spotlight than we do mess things up for us all?’ or ‘Hey, I’m gonna be accountable for me and do my best.’”  The fact of the matter is that I am not truly offended when ministers “fall.”  But that too might be a bad sign because I almost expect it because it has been so common.  What does scare me is the lack of vision, insight, and foresight that the church has in today’s world.  I truly don’t believe that we realize the times and seasons in which we live.  And because of that, we are in even more danger than we realize.  

I’ve got to go and teach right now but I’ll finish this later.  Thanks…

Back from Oblivion

So vacation went well.  But as soon as we got back we were preparing for a hurricane!  Yeah weird!  Anyway we weathered the storm with power for a while but we lost it (power that is) for about 18 hours.  The nightime without AC was torture but we survived.  It was Boogie’s first hurricane and he did well.  Way better than Buster.  Anyway, I’m about 2 weeks out from starting my new job and…here we go.  I’ve really been trying to get my life back in order this summer seeing as how I’ve spent the last two years in oblivion.  But lately I’ve been focusing on prayer and getting back into the Word like I should be.  I’ve made a concious decision to not be overcommitted at work.  That will take the help of God, my family, and friends.  But I definetley don’t want to live my life in misery and obligation.  Anyway!!!!

I’ve really just been trying to enjoy life lately.  My husband, my dog, my friends, my ministry.  I desperately desire the kind of life that God describes in Proverbs 1 and want to rejoice in the Lord always.  I can remember a time when joy was my middle name and though there were trials, I looked to God for my security and peace.  Well, joy is my inheritance and I plan to receive it again. 

Don’t have much else at this point.  Please enjoy the pics.  Be Blessed!

Vacation

Hey all!  Well, tomorrow the hub and I are leaving for a week of vacation.  We are celebrating our 2 year anniversary.  It has gone by pretty fast.  So far it seems more stressful preparing for the vacation than actually staying home and doing nothing.  We will be taking a week at the beach and our new pug will experience the beach for the first time.  We will be taking lots of pictures.  By the way, if you haven’t checked out my new blog make sure to do that.  Well, actually, it isn’t MY blog.  It’s Boogie’s blog.  Anyway, check it out.  We will not be taking our laptop down to the island so this will be my last entry until next week.  Unless you are bleeding and dying, don’t call!  LOL…just kidding.  See ya’ soon!

Whatsamahoosit

So here I am literally 3 workdays away from leaving my current place of work.  Just when you think, “Hey, I’m leaving.  Things can’t get that bad from here on out.  What are they gonna do?  FIRE ME?!”  Well, today things got a little sad.  No, there was no firing.  But I came to a true realization of how little I am thought of at work.  I mean, all this time, it has been pretty clear how my administration feels about me but today it was brought home to me how they REALLY feel. 

You see, now that I am leaving, there are many people that are being forced into uncomfortable situaitons and left with many unappealing things to do.  The wonderful task of ordering team gear, balancing a budget, getting quotes, putting POs in, getting the girls’ sizes, etc, etc, etc.  So basically it is taking about 6 people to do what I have been doing.  Please don’t think I’m trying to toot my own horn or anything.  I’m just trying to get you to understand how massive this job ACTUALLY is.  But now that I am on my way out, my principal has found that the important things that I have been saying for the past two years are actually true and my advice actually should be followed because i ACTUALLY know what I’m talking about.  All the things that I have been asking them to do for the past 2 years, they are doing now that I am on my way out.  I am very hurt.  There is something so pinching on the inside of me and it stings pretty badly.  Yet I knew when I spoke to the Lord about this 2 months ago, I had to accept the fact that all my hard labor and sowing could quite possibly raise a harvest that someone else would enjoy.  That seems to be the very case with which I am currently staring in the face.  At the time, I thought I could handle it ok.  There was my mistake.  I, on my own, cannot handle.  This situation is yet another situation where God is trying to teach me to lean on Him.  He is trying to get me to learn and understand something bigger.  He didn’t stop teaching me when I resigned and got my new position.  He is still trying to teach me right now. 

Furthermore, I began to realize another reason of their disrespect of me.  It’s my age.  It sounds sad I know, but it’s true.  My principal has so much more respect for the mothers who are helping her take on the tasks I’m leaving behind because of the things she is giving to them, the way she works for them, the way she treats them, etc.  And I began to see clearly today how I mean so much less to her because I am young.  She automatically assumes I’m wrong or ignorant because I’m young. 

Anyway, it has been very disheartening today.  I know I’ve been rambling for some time on this job issue but it is a nice outlet.  Yet despite all these dealings with things, I am still trying to accomplish the impossible for them.  They wanted abigger team and a second audition.  So I threw together an audition in 2 weeks. I have been arranging the dance routines for next year.  I have been continuing to organize summer camp.  I have inventoried every single piece of costume that the program owns.  And I am still trying to do my job.  But tonight, I just really began to feel the weight of everything and how painful it is.

I am not unaware of the wonderful situation that awaits past Friday.  I’m just hurting right now.  But God is giving me victory over my emotions.  There are big things coming my way and they are all good!  I just need somewhere 2 vent  once in a while. 

There is no way that what I am going through is anywhere NEAR what Christ went through but I have BEGUN to understand what it means, “to share in the fellowship of His sufferings, being made like Him in His death, so as to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  Many things have been done to me unjustly.  But Christ knoew injustice and yet loved his betrayers and enemies.  It’s time to grow up and live like Him.

Detention Hall

So this week is my last week of “duty.”  For teachers or anyone involved in the school system, the term “duty” is the devil!  The last thing you want to do early in the morning or after school is stand outside and watch a bunch of kids and make sure they don’t get into trouble.  But today (well, actually this week) I have my duty in Detention Hall.  That means I am supposed to be the quintessential-mean-faced-slaps a ruler on the desk to get you to be quiet- Detention Hall Teacher.  (Yeah right!  Like that’s gonna happen in a million years!)

So I have been dreading this but it’s actually the best duty I’ve ever had…I know, I know…  How is that possible?  Well first of all detention at my school is held in the theatre.  Yeah total disrespect for the arts.  It’s awful.  (But it is AIR CONDITIONED!)  Because it’s in the theatre, I feel super relaxed.  Also, there is always something going on in there after school.  This week they are rehearsing for the Talent Show so it’s not like I am stuck staring at a bunch of kids and watching the clock.  Both myself and the detainees are being entertained by the antics of other students.  Also, no one is showing up to detention anymore because it’s the end of the year and nobody cares.  So today, all of 3 freshmen showed up.  (Probably because they don’t know any better yet.)  And they weren’t even on the list.  (I didn’t tell them that though.  They were going to have to serve at one point or another so I just let them stay.)  All the other 20-25 people that were supposed to be there didn’t show.  Ha!  What a racket! 

So the jist of detention is to sit down, shut up, and wait.  The 3 kids I did have were pretty good so I let them go early.  Overall, that was the best detention I’ve ever been to….Wait, I’ve never been to a detention.  So yeah, that’s the best detention I’ve ever been to! Ha!

I’M SO EXCITED!

In exactly 3 weeks and 3 days, I am bringing home a brand new addition to our family!  A precious black pug puppy named Bayou Boogie is coming home!  He was born April 5, 2008 and currently resides in Zavalla, TX.  I can’t quite explain how extatic I am about Boogie!  I have had a dog all my life except for the past few years.  I got Doogie, a white eskimo spitz, when I was a child and we grew up together.  He was very old when we had to put him down and I missed him.  So I have been missing a canine companion for about 3 or years now.  I have been bugging the hub about getting one but he was never really quite willing.  He said “Let’s wait until we’ve been married for at least a year.” I said ok.  That’s fair.  Then I got this insane job where I work ridiculous long hours and getting a pup just didn’t seem fair to it.  So we waited.  But now, that job is over (officially on June 6-see preceding blog).  My new job allows me a lot more time for a dog and I am so excited!

I found Boogie by Googling.  (God bless the Google people.)  He is from a champion bloodline and has a great personality.  His daddy’s name is Boogie Man and his mama’s name is Sadie Rose.  I have begun getting ready for his arrival by purchasing a few necessities and looking into training, etc.  I am having so much fun with this.  I know it’s going to be a big job but I’m up for it.  I a big animal  lover (except for insects-they don’t count) and I miss having them around.  Buster (my in-laws’ pug) has been my surrogate love pug since he came around 3 years ago, but oh how I’ve wanted to come home to big shiny eyes and a wagging tail (this is where the hub would insert “and a pile of dog poo”)!  I plan to do things right with Boogie.  If I want to add a pug in a few years, Boogie will need to teach him the ropes so he needs to be well trained.  I want him to be very well socialized because he is going to be around a lot of people his entire life.  We’ll start early with that.

We pick Boogie up on Sunday June15 and then make the long trip (8 hours) back home.  This summer is gonna be full of dog training and bonding but hopefully with as few accidents and destroyed furniture as possible.  So when you see the hub around, encourage him.  He’s very non-committal but I know once he sees that goreous face, he’ll be hooked.  But still, he’ll need your support for venting!

 

Hmmm….I just realized the 2 dogs I’ve owned in my life have very similar names!  Doogie and Boogie.  Weird.

It is Finished…well Sorta…

So I’ve resigned from my job.  In fact, I already have a new one I start on August 18.  That means I have an actual summer with not but one camp to go to-not the 4 I’m used to.  Things have been pretty crazy and I do apologize for not blogging more but everyone who reads this blog (for the most part) knows the insanity that has been occuring in my life.

Right now I feel like I need a very long holiday.  To even begin to type out all the occurences and trials of the past few months seems exhausting.  Now please don’t get me wrong.  I’m not trying to be melodramatic but it just almost seems pointlessto drag you through the details of the battle.  Let’s just put it this way-God’s will always prevails and as usual he teaches you something (a lot) in the midst of the fray.  I have learned so much from this incredible experience.  I possess some understanding of things now that I never used to.

One thing is for sure:  I LOATHE GOSSIP.  Never have I quite understood so clearly how cancerous and crawling gossip is.  I now hold myself to a standard I probably couldn’t before.  I have made a clear cut choice to keep my mouth shut regarding things that are simply none of your (i.e. generic) business.  I know the world is full of gossipers and I cannot stop others from gossiping but one thing is for certain.  I will not tolerate it of myself nor of those I train and work with.  Gossip is not only damaging to the person speaking it, but the person being spoken of , all those who hear it, and the organization(s) that said persons belong to.  Gossip may be true or false.  It doesn’t matter.  If it is a rumor, don’t spread it.  If it is true, then let the person to whom the information rightfully belongs, share it.  Why do people not learn from their mistakes?!  I do not claim to know all of the affects of gossip but one warning I give and I hope you heed.  Keep this disease far from you, your loved ones, and your work.  WALK AWAY when you hear its tentacles approaching and RUN if YOU begin to open your mouth. 

Another thing I have gained from this experience is that NO MATTER WHAT, DO THE RIGHT THING.  “Keep your oath, even to your own hurt.”  Let no one be able to speak evil of you.  Though many will speak lies, decet, and malice against you despite your truth and good intent, let your actions, intents, thoughts, and heart be pure.  I wish no one the pain of seeing and hearing people around you speaking evil of you when you have done no evil.  Yet we ask and pray, “…That I may share in the fellowship of His sufferings, being made like Him in His Death…”  Even when the whole world turns against you and you have done no wrong, DO THE RIGHT THING.  You will be vindicated-whether in this life or the next.  But it is not your job to determine that.  The battle is the Lord’s.  And vindication is from Him. 

Pray for those who hurt you.  Never have I quite so clearly understood what Jesus meant when He said this.  Oh, pleae pray for them.  They don’t know what they are doing and they need your help.  We have grace to help us in time of need but for those who are are lost, in the world, and speak evil against the children of God-oh! they need your prayers!  I don’t think I can quite explain this fully.  Perhaps when one experiences it, then and maybe only then, will you fully understand it.

No matter what, you must follow and obey God’s leading.  Wherever He leads, we must follow.  It doesn’t matter who it takes you from, who it puts you with, you must go on with God.  If not, you will be miserable. 

I told God a few months back that I didn’t mind getting older (even though I’m only 25), because I would gladly pay the price of youth for wisdom and understanding.  I’m not going to say that I’ve lost my youth or certainly not that I have all the wisdom I need, but I have paid a heavy cost for learning what I’ve learned over the past two years and more increasingly over the past few months.  But I wouldn’t change a thing.  God knows why I went through this and though I only see a small puzzle piece now, He sees the masterpiece.  He’s the artist and I trust what He’s creating.  He is God, I am man.  He is Sovereign. 

Please, TRUST HIM. 

Snothit a.k.a. predictive text: annoying

You know what I really dislike?  The stupid stringy things that come off banana peels.  There you are enjoying your banana and you get a stringy thing in your mouth that should belong on the peel.  It’s enough to make one throw the banana away.