So Sorry About the Silence!

Well, here I am 3 months later blogging again.  Let’s see if anything interesting comes out.  : P

I am currently reading the final book of the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn.  It is interesting but I simply can’t find the time to read it in a consistent fashion and get through it in the time I’d like to.  But I am plucking away at it and am enjoying it.  I’m very surprised at how Twilight drug me in.  I didn’t enjoy Twilight the novel or the movie.  It wasn’t until New Moon came out that I became interested.  I thought I was Team Edward.  Then I thought I was Team Jacob.  Now I am a proud Fence-Walker and won’t take any pressure to take one side or the other.  Stephanie Meyer has an incredible way of stringing you along.

One of our new family goals is to eat out only on the weekends.  We did some grocery shopping tonight to facilitate that hopefully we will accomplish it.  It would be nice to save some money on not eating out.  It’s kind of depressing when you see how much you really spend on restaurants.  Blech!

The Count of Monte Cristo, which I am currently watching by the way, is one of the BEST movies of all time!  I LOVE this story.  And THE BEST HOLLYWOOD LINE EVER comes from this movie.  PRIEST: “God says ‘Vengeance is mine’” DANTES: “But I don’t believe in God.” PRIEST: “It doesn’t matter.  He believes in you.”  BAM!!! BEST LINE EVER!

So my mom moved away.  Officially.  For the first time in my life, neither one of my parents is within short driving distance of me.  My father has resided in Houston for the majority of my life and now my mother in a suburb of Dallas.  I don’t feel a real change in atmosphere of things nor did I really expect to.  We’ll see how it goes.

A Race

There is something to be learned by watching a race.  Not a car race, or a horse race, but actual humans using their bodies to make it to the finish line.

Today the hub and I were at a local cross country meet.  My husband was a competitive runner in high school but due to circumstances, I never attended a single race.  That being said, this was my first time at a cross country meet.  We watched the first three races.  The gun goes off and all the competitors take off in a herd.  My husband is entranced at this of course because he remembers all the adrenaline pumping in the body at that point.  Frankly, I’m not that intrigued…

Until we wander over closer to the finish line.  We stood there talking with his former coach waiting for the runners to end their race.  The first runner came in WAY ahead of the others (side note: he wasn’t even registered so he couldn’t get a trophy).  And then one by one the other runners bring it in.  At this point I am amazed.  This is the most exciting part of the race.  This is the point when they can see the finish line ahead of them and no matter what happened along the way this is their last chance to push it as hard as they can.  This is their opportunity to pass the guy that’s stayed just in front of them the whole time.  Here is where they push their bodies to the limit so see what’s really there.

As an on-looker, you see all sort of things.  Their expressions are so impacting.  Some are in a great deal of pain.  Some might be emotional and some might be physical pain.  The only one that knows is the one that’s running.  Emotional pain perhaps because of the disappointment in themselves.  Physical pain because they may have just discovered their limit.  Others have a stone face on.  They are able to keep going just fine.

I found myself inspired by the parents, the teammates, and the coaches that push them forward during this critical time.  Those on the sidelines sometimes run along side their runner.  They yell encouragement and hope at them.  The sound of those yells mixed with their own fervor is enough to push the runner ahead and sometimes surpass what they thought they could do.

We all need that encouragement in our lives.  We all need someone running along side of us when things get tough and all we feel is pain and sorrow.  We need someone yelling our name and telling us why we need to push it.  Those along side us can sometimes see the things we can’t.  They can see someone coming up on our backs and help us push forward.  They can see through our pain stricken faces and see that we have a little more left to give.

I hope that I can be that for someone.  And I hope that at some point we all do that for those in our lives.

It’s Been a Year

Sorry to those of you who actually check on my dead or dying blog.  My blog for me actually became a moot point.  I’ll say this.  I will blog when I can.  Hopefully it will be more often but no promises.

I was talking with a friend last night about his upcoming birthday.  It’s a big one.  (Big as in important.)  He said he didn’t know what to think about it seeing as it is a highlight on his age.  I decided to share with him my perspective on getting older hoping that maybe it would help.  I don’t know if it did.  I said to him that I’m looking forward to getting older.  30 isn’t that scary.  Granted it is still 4 years away and that opinion might change the closer it comes.  However, I look at getting older in a positive light.  The older I get, the more experience I have, and hopefully the more wisdom I have.  The more wisdom I have, the more I can help other people.  At my current age, I understand a lot more about humanity and social interaction than I did just a few years ago.  And it’s sad to think about the fact there was a time when I really thought I knew it all.  But we all have that stage so there is some comfort in that.  Knowing what I know now about social interaction and the “quirks” of human beings I really would like to shout it from the rooftops to help out a few people.

I guess this is coming from the fact that I found out today that yet ANOTHER person in my LARGE circle (I emphasize large to show that they aren’t in my CLOSE circle) thinks they’ve got it together when it comes to a situation that I am highly involved it.  It bothers me when people make assumptions of other people’s thoughts, actions, or lack of action and then pass judgment.  Why do people think they’ve got it all figured out and can fix the world? Don’t you see that this is one giant puzzle and each one of us fills in our own little part?  THAT is ONE way to make things better; not thinking so self-importantly (think I just made that up) that you are the one to make the hugest and therefore the best difference to improving a situation.

Granted, we as humans are innately selfish and self centered and because of that I understand this person.  I simply wish people would THINK.  Think about the fact that other people are in so many different situations that affect all the others in their life.  Think about the fact that you don’t know everything about other people or other situations.  Realize that maybe you don’t have all the information and therefore you probably shouldn’t pass judgment.  All I’m saying is, give people the benefit of the doubt.  Assumptions usually just hurt people so THINK first.

Death Becomes Her

Apparently 2008 is the year that death becomes me.  I know this sounds a little morbid but I’m not entirely sure where this is gonna go so bear with me.  In January of this year I lost my uncle to cancer.  This was the first death I’ve ever experienced from someone close to me.  It was honestly really traumatic.  There is just something that is so raw about the whole death thing.  Raw is the best word I have to describe it.  My mother’s side of my family isn’t exactly the most emotionally held together kind of group of people.  So everything was so dramatic and traumatic and well rough.  

And then this Sunday my first grandparent passed away.  This really sucks.  I mean it really, really, really sucks.  It is really awesome for him because he had been suffering physically for about 5 years and I am happy that he is now with the Lord laughing his big wonderful resounding laugh now.  There is so much delight and comfort in that.  He is finally free from this mortal body that held him back for so long.  

But tonight as I sat in the same funeral home as I did 10 months earlier, I fought back tears because I didn’t want to feel.  I didn’t want the tears to come for fear that i couldn’t stop them.  The thing that sucks and makes me want to cry more than anything though is the injustice of the situation.  You see, the last true memory I have of my grandfather is his back.  I saw him walking away from me, at that time a child of 6 or so, after he dropped me off at my mother’s house because he was tired of seeing me hurt from the custody battle that my parents were in.  This is going to sound sooooo cliche.  But I blame my mother.  It is because of her selfishness and psychosis that I lost my childhood, teenage life and young adult life away from my father’s side of the family.  Because of this I had so many less years with my grandfather.  When I finally re-established the relationship-because I actually could when I got older- it was too late.  Strokes had already hit him.  Relationships had already been formed amongst family members and I felt…and feel…like an outsider.  So though I may have been able to talk to my grandfather the last few years of his life, I missed the majority of it because of my mother’s selfishness and psychosis.  This angered me so much but there is absolutely nothing that can be done.  My father has vowed never to forgive my mother for the things that she took away from me and him and his side of the family.  This feeling is so confusing.  Because you see I don’t want to hold a grudge against my mother.  That is just the worst thing to do but right now the pain is so in my face and real -staring at me and poking me in eye- that I can’t just ignore it.  I’m holding on to try and get past the funeral and burial because I don’t want it to begin.  You see, I’m not just dealing with mourning-I’m dealing with regret.  And regret for something I didn’t cause but was pushed on me due to someone else’s actions.  There is no feeling like one where you had absolutely no control over choices that were made but changed your life forever.  

I don’t want to feel the raw feeling of death.  Because if I let myself feel that then I am going to have to feel the full onset of regret.  If I do that I fear that I will become so angry with my mother, like I haven’t been in years, that I’ll say things I don’t mean and end up losing another relationship.  At this point, I honestly feel the only place I truly belong is with Marc.  I feel like an outsider amongst my dad’s side of the family; I feel like an outcast amongst my mother’s side of the family; and just misunderstood just about everywhere else.  the only place I feel I can really belong is with Marc.  That is a good thing…I know.  The way I look at it is “This gives me the opportunity to begin a new legacy.”  I just always wonder…”What if things had been different?”

It’s a Slow Fade Both Ways

I don’t want to miss getting wet under a waterfall.

I don’t want to miss curling up in a big chair with a good book and hot chocolate.

I don’t want to miss seeing my kids running through the sprinkler.

I don’t want to miss enjoying my dog.

I don’t want to miss shopping with my mom.

I don’t want to miss the incredible colors of flowers.

I don’t want to miss eating watermelon by the pool in summer.

I don’t want to miss a good night’s sleep.

I don’t want to miss being with my husband every chance I get.

I don’t want to miss having a baby.

I don’t want to miss a beach sunrise.

I don’t want to miss getting caught in a rainshower.

I don’t want to miss laughing with my husband.

I don’t want to miss being silly with my friends.

I don’t want to miss the smile on someone’s face when they know someone cares.

I don’t want to miss worshipping God earth-style.

I don’t want to miss hearing my dad’s hearty laugh.

I don’t want to miss singing a lullaby to my child.

I don’t want to miss my husband’s face when he sees his first child.

I don’t want to miss the late afternoon sun.

I don’t want to miss laying on green grass and staring into the blue sky.

I don’t want to miss the smell of leather ballet shoes in a studio.

I don’t want to miss hugs.

I don’t want to miss the uniqueness of ladybugs.

I don’t want to miss early morning dew.

I don’t want to miss cuddling.

I don’t want to miss giving.

I don’t want to miss the love of my husband.

I don’t want to miss the purity of child like faith.

I don’t want to miss God’s unconditional love for me.

I don’t want to miss the ache of sore muscles.

I don’t want to miss the feel of a soft fleece blanket on a cold day.

I don’t want to miss the simplicity and magic of breathing.

I don’t want to miss laughing until my stomach hurts.

I don’t want to miss the early morning light streaming through my windows.

I don’t want to miss everything God provides for our enjoyment. 1 Tim. 6:17

Well well well…

So I am here at work about to start teaching.  Things have been rather strange for the past month.  I started my wonderful new job but there have been some glitches.  Our brand new building wasn’t ready in time for our regular school to begin on schedule.  So we have been doing a night school for the 4th-9th graders for the past 4 weeks in the old elementary building.  This means that teachers are working from 12:00 to 8:00 pm.  Needless to say, that schedule has been taxing all of us.  I have officially missed 4 Wednesday night services-2 of which I was supposed to preach at.  As of right now we are supposed to be in next week with a normal schedule.  So that means we have to make up 2 work days beginning tomorrow.  So tomorrow’s workday will be from 8:00 am- 8:00 pm.  YAY!  Another 12 hour day!  I have to be positive about it though because 12-14 hour days were normal for me at my last job.  So I’m gonna stay all smiles for now. 

So that’s work.  Now on to more interesting things.  Lately, friends and family have had a lot of questions in their minds.  A lot of them have been questioning their faith and rationalizing faith based queries with a light of cynicism casting a shadow on their already doubtful minds.  Now granted because of these queries and answers, or lack thereof, questions have arisen in my mind as well.  Questions and beyond that…un-hopeful disappointment.  I was talking with the hub the other day and he were discussing a certain big name minister who has recently fallen from grace and what that does to critics of the Christian faith.  I told him, “It makes me wanna go one of two ways.  I can either be like, ‘Why even try when other people who hold more spotlight than we do mess things up for us all?’ or ‘Hey, I’m gonna be accountable for me and do my best.’”  The fact of the matter is that I am not truly offended when ministers “fall.”  But that too might be a bad sign because I almost expect it because it has been so common.  What does scare me is the lack of vision, insight, and foresight that the church has in today’s world.  I truly don’t believe that we realize the times and seasons in which we live.  And because of that, we are in even more danger than we realize.  

I’ve got to go and teach right now but I’ll finish this later.  Thanks…

Back from Oblivion

So vacation went well.  But as soon as we got back we were preparing for a hurricane!  Yeah weird!  Anyway we weathered the storm with power for a while but we lost it (power that is) for about 18 hours.  The nightime without AC was torture but we survived.  It was Boogie’s first hurricane and he did well.  Way better than Buster.  Anyway, I’m about 2 weeks out from starting my new job and…here we go.  I’ve really been trying to get my life back in order this summer seeing as how I’ve spent the last two years in oblivion.  But lately I’ve been focusing on prayer and getting back into the Word like I should be.  I’ve made a concious decision to not be overcommitted at work.  That will take the help of God, my family, and friends.  But I definetley don’t want to live my life in misery and obligation.  Anyway!!!!

I’ve really just been trying to enjoy life lately.  My husband, my dog, my friends, my ministry.  I desperately desire the kind of life that God describes in Proverbs 1 and want to rejoice in the Lord always.  I can remember a time when joy was my middle name and though there were trials, I looked to God for my security and peace.  Well, joy is my inheritance and I plan to receive it again. 

Don’t have much else at this point.  Please enjoy the pics.  Be Blessed!

Vacation

Hey all!  Well, tomorrow the hub and I are leaving for a week of vacation.  We are celebrating our 2 year anniversary.  It has gone by pretty fast.  So far it seems more stressful preparing for the vacation than actually staying home and doing nothing.  We will be taking a week at the beach and our new pug will experience the beach for the first time.  We will be taking lots of pictures.  By the way, if you haven’t checked out my new blog make sure to do that.  Well, actually, it isn’t MY blog.  It’s Boogie’s blog.  Anyway, check it out.  We will not be taking our laptop down to the island so this will be my last entry until next week.  Unless you are bleeding and dying, don’t call!  LOL…just kidding.  See ya’ soon!

Whatsamahoosit

So here I am literally 3 workdays away from leaving my current place of work.  Just when you think, “Hey, I’m leaving.  Things can’t get that bad from here on out.  What are they gonna do?  FIRE ME?!”  Well, today things got a little sad.  No, there was no firing.  But I came to a true realization of how little I am thought of at work.  I mean, all this time, it has been pretty clear how my administration feels about me but today it was brought home to me how they REALLY feel. 

You see, now that I am leaving, there are many people that are being forced into uncomfortable situaitons and left with many unappealing things to do.  The wonderful task of ordering team gear, balancing a budget, getting quotes, putting POs in, getting the girls’ sizes, etc, etc, etc.  So basically it is taking about 6 people to do what I have been doing.  Please don’t think I’m trying to toot my own horn or anything.  I’m just trying to get you to understand how massive this job ACTUALLY is.  But now that I am on my way out, my principal has found that the important things that I have been saying for the past two years are actually true and my advice actually should be followed because i ACTUALLY know what I’m talking about.  All the things that I have been asking them to do for the past 2 years, they are doing now that I am on my way out.  I am very hurt.  There is something so pinching on the inside of me and it stings pretty badly.  Yet I knew when I spoke to the Lord about this 2 months ago, I had to accept the fact that all my hard labor and sowing could quite possibly raise a harvest that someone else would enjoy.  That seems to be the very case with which I am currently staring in the face.  At the time, I thought I could handle it ok.  There was my mistake.  I, on my own, cannot handle.  This situation is yet another situation where God is trying to teach me to lean on Him.  He is trying to get me to learn and understand something bigger.  He didn’t stop teaching me when I resigned and got my new position.  He is still trying to teach me right now. 

Furthermore, I began to realize another reason of their disrespect of me.  It’s my age.  It sounds sad I know, but it’s true.  My principal has so much more respect for the mothers who are helping her take on the tasks I’m leaving behind because of the things she is giving to them, the way she works for them, the way she treats them, etc.  And I began to see clearly today how I mean so much less to her because I am young.  She automatically assumes I’m wrong or ignorant because I’m young. 

Anyway, it has been very disheartening today.  I know I’ve been rambling for some time on this job issue but it is a nice outlet.  Yet despite all these dealings with things, I am still trying to accomplish the impossible for them.  They wanted abigger team and a second audition.  So I threw together an audition in 2 weeks. I have been arranging the dance routines for next year.  I have been continuing to organize summer camp.  I have inventoried every single piece of costume that the program owns.  And I am still trying to do my job.  But tonight, I just really began to feel the weight of everything and how painful it is.

I am not unaware of the wonderful situation that awaits past Friday.  I’m just hurting right now.  But God is giving me victory over my emotions.  There are big things coming my way and they are all good!  I just need somewhere 2 vent  once in a while. 

There is no way that what I am going through is anywhere NEAR what Christ went through but I have BEGUN to understand what it means, “to share in the fellowship of His sufferings, being made like Him in His death, so as to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  Many things have been done to me unjustly.  But Christ knoew injustice and yet loved his betrayers and enemies.  It’s time to grow up and live like Him.

Detention Hall

So this week is my last week of “duty.”  For teachers or anyone involved in the school system, the term “duty” is the devil!  The last thing you want to do early in the morning or after school is stand outside and watch a bunch of kids and make sure they don’t get into trouble.  But today (well, actually this week) I have my duty in Detention Hall.  That means I am supposed to be the quintessential-mean-faced-slaps a ruler on the desk to get you to be quiet- Detention Hall Teacher.  (Yeah right!  Like that’s gonna happen in a million years!)

So I have been dreading this but it’s actually the best duty I’ve ever had…I know, I know…  How is that possible?  Well first of all detention at my school is held in the theatre.  Yeah total disrespect for the arts.  It’s awful.  (But it is AIR CONDITIONED!)  Because it’s in the theatre, I feel super relaxed.  Also, there is always something going on in there after school.  This week they are rehearsing for the Talent Show so it’s not like I am stuck staring at a bunch of kids and watching the clock.  Both myself and the detainees are being entertained by the antics of other students.  Also, no one is showing up to detention anymore because it’s the end of the year and nobody cares.  So today, all of 3 freshmen showed up.  (Probably because they don’t know any better yet.)  And they weren’t even on the list.  (I didn’t tell them that though.  They were going to have to serve at one point or another so I just let them stay.)  All the other 20-25 people that were supposed to be there didn’t show.  Ha!  What a racket! 

So the jist of detention is to sit down, shut up, and wait.  The 3 kids I did have were pretty good so I let them go early.  Overall, that was the best detention I’ve ever been to….Wait, I’ve never been to a detention.  So yeah, that’s the best detention I’ve ever been to! Ha!